It will be very hard to write this blog because I may end up being very preachy about it. And this is probably why my Lord keeps showing me His presence everywhere I go as He did last month, precisely for me to understand that He is right here and not to fear. Under heavy duty prayer to His Spirit, I feel led to write this one more time since I have touched this subject matter before.
Things in the world are worse than 4 weeks ago in all aspects of our lives. The killing of humans could be considered another sport… In general, the media reports and reports and reports. We religious listen and listen and at times give our opinions but we are not taking the bull by the horns… We hear preaching, teaching, stories, and I doubt very much if we are truly engaged in a drastic conversion of our hearts. Or are we?
On Thursday, August 21, I started the writing this blog with much material at hand and on a day that God may have called me home but it did not happen. Many years ago I was told by His Holy Spirit that I would die on a Wednesday, August 21. The next time around will be in 2025…!!! Exactly one year ago, I was in the hospital for the second time with a hemoglobin of 5.2 grams after severe bleeding from 4 gastric ulcers. One year later, the ulcers are healed and I came back from the dead intact. My left eye is doing better after my second intra-ocular injection of July 30. This time around, these injections are working. My crosses continue but are not making me suffer too much in regards to my health per se! It is as if God is saying: “I am making you feel better because you have to do a major job,” one that has been announced for years, but one that I always doubted because I have no particular theology to serve me as background. I will give you some stories by the calendar sequence and then explain to you what I am trying very hard to do as a servant, including writing this blog that may bug you a lot.
II. STORIES BY DATES
Tuesday, August 5
I almost did not go to church on this day because parking is very difficult since all entrances were closed as they are starting the construction of a chapel, remodeling for the parish offices a small building bought recently plus are resurfacing the parking for the entire campus. Yet, my Mother insisted that I should go. I went super early to be able to find a nearby parking meter space. Jesus had much to teach me during the 2 Holy Hours prior to the noon Mass. This is what wrote in my diary:
He sent me to John 5 where He talks about believing in the Father. I was told one more time to trust in the present moment’s will of God for me and never think of the future. He said, “If something is to be, your faith will bring God to make it happen, since others involved (to work with me), may be attacked by the 3 major forces: the flesh, the evil one and the world which will bring fear to do something not expected from them. And so, LATER, they may not want to be part of the will of God for you at this present moment. Your faith in God’s love and mercy right now WILL MAKE SURE that others, despite of being confused with the 3 forces that can change their minds, they will proceed to be part of the plan you have been given… and this if it is the will of God for all the parties. God cannot change their free will but can give them multiple sources and signs of re-assurance that it is His will and they will end up working with you. But it is up to you to refrain from wondering what will happen. God is in charge and will win the battle as needed for your good and the good of others.”
But again, this work of the Holy Spirit depends on your own faith, one that keeps believing and accepting God’s will in the present moment even if it is for future events. In the other hand, to keep your faith very strong, you must pray, but a prayer that is free of fear, of questions about the future. Such prayer is one of worship and love and thanksgiving for you being a child of the Father and here to participate in the salvation of many souls. Your work is to remain indifferent to what will be but faithful each moment with a huge “yes” to what it is indicated to you as His will.
The Sacraments are like boats that carry you from the side of fearful rough waters to the waters of peace and trust in God’s mercy, that He is in charge second by second of all your lives. So, to make plans for the future for what the will of God is revealed now to you in each present moment, lacks reason since there are many other factors that may change the participation of the parties. So your work consists in praying, seeking the Sacraments and living with the conviction that whatever will happen regarding what you know is the will of God now, will be in the future because it is God’s will and the best for all involved BUT without wondering if truly it will be happening!
In each present moment, the will of God at that moment to become a reality in the future is subject to major battles:
1) Spiritual warfare with Satan with his lies dividing your heart and tempting you with fear.
2) Discouragement because the task at hand seems formidable and difficult and your flesh wants to take the easy road.
3) Discouragement from the world around you.
4) Seeking certitude that the will of God is always after the salvation of souls, and as such, your cooperation is to remain praying to increase your faith to let God confirm His will in your life.
5) The battle of realizing that as in the case of St. Paul, God will permit many crosses, and therefore to be always ready to embrace them. (End of teaching)
Wednesday, August 6
He had another teaching during my Holy Hour on a day that I found the closest parking meter space empty and for which I was super happy:
“Do not try to control your destiny. For your yes to God’s will at each present moment, you must have purity of intention. Say yes but never thinking what you will END UP doing in the future. Total indifference is the key to your success in having the faith required to be the best servant.”
(I asked, “May I stay home most days in August because of the parking situation?”)
Jesus: “You may miss some Masses but do not let the present circumstances stop you from our being together. Always think that our daily meetings are essential for you.”
(But what to do about my only credit card debt. It increases monthly with the automatic rental payment which keeps going up for the storage place?)
“Remember that I will win all your battles. Do you remember how you found out about how carrageenan produces depression? What about your memory loss and how to reverse dementia? So, who is going to pay your debts?”
(I answered: YOU”)
“Aha… ‘Yes,’ it is the correct answer. You are mine since your Baptism and know Me since your childhood. I have won multiple battles for you. Then, should you be worrying regarding the present battles of health and debt?
“Also regarding the Church, when you get down for the slow pace of inner conversions, always remember that I expect you to accept this problem but at the same time that I send you signs of My love for you, using your own brothers and sisters, people you never met and yet, serve you as if they did and with great love. They are doing it for Me. Would you say yes to this plan of only expecting Me to win your battles but as a matter of fact?”
(A thousand times Yees).
(But why to thank me… I do not do it by myself but by the grace of your love.)
“I thank you because you are willing to suffer persecution without hesitation for your yes.
(But I still do not love to see a few of your Priests trying to escalate positions in the Church… which is obvious to some of us. Or hear a Cardinal say that contraception and same sex marriage is alright…! I keep resenting it.)
“Just simply pray for yourself for the grace to love them all because they are My images. You will, and your yes to My will, will cover that battle in your heart and mind.”
At this moment I remembered this quote: "At the end of our life, we shall all be judged by charity." – St. John of the Cross
Thursday, August 7
I was watching a Live Mass and was feeling again a little upset with the ministerial priesthood because the laity still lacks a true knowledge of the Real Presence in the Eucharistic Host, fact that is obvious as they enter the church and genuflect to statues and bypassing the Tabernacle! What went wrong? I felt some resentment. I remembered the conversation of the prior day and asked for forgiveness and offered this Mass for myself to love them at all cost. By the time of the Consecration, I loved them to pieces… THIS BATTLE HAD BEEN WON…by my Lord… It is that easy à REPENTANCE plus prayer to be able to love is the fastest way to have our prayers granted.
This battle was actually against Satan as well. By 6 PM, the floor of my bathroom was inundated with water… It turned out to be a leak in the water leading to the toilet. It was tiny but it was not noticed until I came up that evening and found the problem. My son placed a plastic container to receive the water until we could contact the owner of the house. Yet, he decided to wait since he was busy with his job and it turned out to be a false alarm… Five days later, the leak had disappeared on its own except for a few drops here and there.
Recently, there were some comments that our present Holy Father speaks too much about Satan… Of course, he is a Jesuit… and St. Ignatius wrote much about it… But St. John Vianney had major fights with the devil who burned his bed and I saw it when I visited the town he lived in… 200+ years ago. Also, St. Padre Pio had tremendous fights with Satan, and face to face. St. Faustina and St. Teresa of Avila knew the devil quite well. Ah, but Satan was not done yet with me! Pay attention to the next story.
Friday, August 8.
I was entering the expressway to get early to my parish (because of the parking disaster) and for no particular reason, there was a long line of cars getting in ahead of me… It simply was due to cars taking it easy and going very slowly. Who knows if they were having a conversation in their cell phones… It was 10:45 AM, a time of no much traffic. This made me lose the parking meter closest to the entrance of the church. Others behind it were occupied. I say it because as I arrived, a car was just getting in this empty space. I decided to park in front of the church with no parking meter but not a space that was painted signifying that parking was not allowed. In fact, I had seen other cars parked in there during these long 4-5 weeks while they are re-surfacing the parking areas.
Since the parking is a disaster, the Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament was to be done in the main church and yes, I entered and had a ball knowing that He was even exposed. When I left for Communion, I noticed that the lady next to my section had left the kneeler down, which meant that I had to lift it up when I would come back, since my knees hurt much trying to pass with the kneeler down. As I was approaching our pew, she had received Communion after me and yet ran like crazy to be ahead of me just to lift the kneeler for me… This was the work of the Holy Spirit since I did not use the cane to go to Communion. As I relished the moment of my Jesus being in my mouth, He said, “See how I love you!” In another time, let’s say last year, I would not have identified Jesus as the one moving the woman to do it. I would simply have felt that she was nice with me!
When I returned home, I made a wrong turn and ended up much east of the exit for my home and got lost as I usually do in that section, whenever I go to see doctors, which are mostly in the city of Concord. I ended up in a city called Richmond. I heard Him saying, “Watch how I direct you to get home.” Sure enough, with total confidence that He would win this tiny battle before I would have to stop and check the map, etc. He led me out as if I knew what I was doing. I was amazed! He said, “This is the way for your daily life. You never know where you are going, but I am there guiding, being your map so that you never get lost or confused!”
But what about Satan in all of this? I never noticed a small envelope in my windshield. Even on Sunday when we went to 8 AM Mass, I did not see it. My son got it as we came out of church and it was a TRAFFIC TICKET for $45.00, because I had been parked in a zone that is designed to pick up or drop people… I became infuriated… I have seen many cars parked there for the noon Mass. There is no sign that says that it is for this purpose. Besides, the areas painted indicating that parking is not allowed can be used to drop or pick up people. If you add the fact that the entire parking area is all blocked, the policeman was tempted to leave the ticket. Yet, I did not find the envelope but after Mass… so that I would not be resenting this man during the Eucharist… Huh! I sent them a letter explaining what I just wrote here… I wanted to send it as registered mail just to be sure that they would not invent that they never received it! After all, the policeman had my license plates and the owner of the car was a woman and Hispanic. And yes, discrimination is alive and worldwide… On Tuesday, when I arrived at the post office, a small branch very near my home, the entire post office had JUST LOST the use of all computerized work of any kind. They did not have stamps either except for groups of them… By chance they found a few 20 cents stamps and the clerk put three of them. I have not heard from the traffic department as yet! I did explain that I was upset because the car insurance goes up according to the presence of traffic infractions, and this one was not truly reflecting my disobedience to the law! NOTICE HOW RESENTMENT is provoked by Satan’s using others to get us upset!
Saturday, August 9.
This was the feast of St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross… I love her because she is a Carmelite and also a Hebrew and I have Jewish roots. Jesus spoke about faith saying, “If you had the faith of a mustard seed you could move a mountain. You can do it all.” Here we have a huge truth… If He said so, THEN our work is to be the best servants possible, saying yes to all that our Master wants of us, and this allows the gift of faith to grow to a point that WE CAN DO IT ALL… What a simply “reasoning” for our growth in faith!
And what is it that we can do? We can convert the entire world… More on it later.
On this day, American football pre season games started. The Cleveland Brown’s and the Detroit Tigers were to meet and then I saw once more, the depiction of one of the most violent sports ever; my heart wanted to scream to stop it. This is what our children and young adults see for 5 months of the year. In this very same day, I saw a PBS program by Dr. Rudolph Tanzi, who had written a book (2013) with Dr. Deepak Chopra called “Super Brain.”
Rudolph Tanzi, Ph.D. is a professor of neurology at Harvard University Medical School, Director of the Genetics and Aging Unit at Massachusetts General Hospital, and author of Decoding Darkness: The Search for the Genetic Causes of Alzheimer’s Disease. He also serves as the head of the Alzheimer’s Genome Project. Dr. Tanzi has been investigating the molecular and genetic basis of neurological disease since 1980, and during the past several decades he has collaborated on many studies identifying other disease genes, including those that contribute to amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) and autism.
Tanzi said “Your brain…is constantly remodeling, reshaping itself. You need to rewire in order to get out of your brain. You then become the user, the leader, the teacher. Just be self aware. Stay curious. When I check my emails, I check how I feel and find balance and then check emails – It works. It changes your life. (I understood that by doing this you can stop any reaction, positive or negative, toward the content of the email messages).
“For centuries, scientists generally accepted that the brain we had by the time we reached adulthood was pretty much the one we were stuck with. A penchant for feeling blue, memory loss, or being bad at math was set in stone – an aging mind was inevitable and immutable. But in the last several years, there’s mounting evidence to show that the brain is the most malleable of the organs, responding to everything from a hurricane to a handshake.”
Dr. Tanzi says that the power to physically rewire our brains for our own betterment lies within all of us, and it begins with a simply mind trick – self-awareness. (Another way to save your brain is to keep curiosity alive as you age, viewing, learning the way a child does. “When you attach passion and emotion to learning you remember everything. That’s why kids remember everything,” Tanzi says. “You get older, you get apathetic. Instead of ‘wow’ moments, you have ‘so-what’ moments, and that’s why you don’t learn as well.” Even brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand or watching an educational program can stimulate the brain to MAKE NEW CONNECTIONS.
The “best brain” is one that is constantly striking the balance between emotions, intuition, instinct and intellect. The more you practice the techniques of mindfulness, exercise, and novelty, the more automatically your brain responds with positive changes, Tanzi believes.(End of report)
It was interesting that as I saw these men hitting each other playing this violent sport, God would allow me by chance to end up with PBS and this report about how malleable our brains are… So, children watching these football games are attracted to this violence at a young age and equates them with fun, and yet, nobody understands how dangerous it is this constant exposure to hitting each other in pursuit of a ball and to do it to have fun…
Sunday, August 10
On this day is when my son found the traffic ticket on the windshield. Rehearsing in my head what to write in my complaining letter regarding this ticket, I understood that I must WRITE TO EVANGELIZE whom ever will read it and those making the decision. That is primordial. God will win my battle. Yet, the aim is to LOVE them since Satan wants me to resent them! I wrote in my journal, “God wins our battles only while navigating in the sea of love of others! The sea of our love for others is daily fed by our total trust in the Triune God, hoping at all times to make good when evil is present! So, I must ask my God to give me the grace to love those who are used by Satan to divide my attention and dedication, in order to allow God to win all my battles as I follow Jesus who loves everybody regardless!”
“We no sooner begin a work for the honor and glory of God, than the world at once becomes uneasy, or the devil throws obstacles in the way.” St. Ignatius of Loyola
Monday, August 11
I was wondering if I should go to Mass as I had planned the day before in order to ask my Lord to be able to love the policeman who gave me the traffic ticket plus all involved in this issue at the Walnut Creek Traffic Offices and my Mother said, “Go. Proceed to ask for love for them. I will be with you. You will find a good parking space. Remember that only THROUGH the desire to LOVE those who persecute you, YOU CAN WIN THIS BATTLE WITHIN. The battles are of two kinds: 1) What you fight inside yourself: resentment. 2) The battle that God will win for you in this matter. The first battle if you conquer it through asking for forgiveness and actual love for them at Mass, will accelerate His help in winning the main battle. Never forget that!” I did attend Mass and asked primarily for my own conversion. And yes, I found a parking meter space empty and close to the main door.
On this day I learned that actor/comedian Robin Williams had died around 12 Noon. He happened to reside very close to the city where I live. It was mentioned that he suffered of deep depressions and was a recovering alcoholic and it was an apparent suicide. I became very upset. Here I have this book that has been written and needs a lot of editing, and I do not finish it and publish it. Am I responsible for deaths of people that succumbed to depression? Many of them could have had the same genetics I have and get deeply depressed with this food natural thickener. Since 1992 I learned about it and yet, I am still dragging my feet in finishing this book and publishing it. This clearly explains how poorly I love my neighbor…
I started wondering if Satan is trying his best to bug me and keep me distracted in doing so. However, it is clear to me that I am the main culprit in this situation. If I knew that a son of mine suffers the same and it is far away and not talking to me, would I hurry up in writing it? Of course, I would do it hoping that he could find this information. But it is not the case. I then wondered if all my health problems have been allowed by the Lord for me to purify my soul and truly work at loving others first and foremost regardless of how I feel about them…
Wednesday, August 13.
I had promised to send some money to my friend in Costa Rica and on this day, my social security check had entered my account and she was waiting for it. (This check is not small since I made tons of money and my SS payments were also increased on those years). It is a long story but wherever supermarket I went, somehow they did not have people at the desk that knew how to send it via Western Union! In fact, in one of them, there were two women that knew how but both had gone to lunch for one hour and without permission to go together, precisely because they have to have this service at the main desk. They were going to sanction them! In the other hand, everybody in the supermarket that was in charge as managers were extremely nice to me. Somehow, Satan was trying hard to annoy me and God moved people to be super nice to me to avoid any resentment!
Thursday, August 14.
I was able to process the sending of this money without difficulties. In fact, the lady was extremely nice in doing so.
Friday, August 15
I planned my early arrival to Mass on this great day of the Feast of the Assumption of Mary, a day of obligation to attend Mass for us Catholics. I arrived at 10:05 AM and was able to pray five Rosaries and at the beginning I wanted to ask with these Rosaries for some money to take care of my heath issues. He was very clear to me from that moment on and Jesus said, “You are thinking of yourself only. Instead pray for the following intentions:
“1) For the salvation of your sons, wives and grandchildren
“2) For a new job for your son in the future (This is the son I live with and who is experiencing a very toxic environment with much disorganization around. In the future means that right now I cannot move from this area because of the different health issues and doctors that are taking care of them, like the retinologist who is giving me intra-ocular injections.)
“3) For the entire Catholic Church, most especially for the ministerial Priesthood.
“4) For the book you are writing to be finished and published.”
Later, after the second Rosary, He said, “You also could add the following intention: “Wisdom to find the right treatment and doctors for your immune system, so that you can work for My Kingdom without major problems. But notice that it is not for your personal gain, but for the good of many souls.”
The noon Mass was attended by many and the church was full (350-400 people?). All of them had to park some place outside since all parking lots were closed… The celebrant of the Mass congratulated them because they had done the impossible to be there… Many of us were truly surprised…
On this date also, people were standing in line at Candlestick football arena in San Francisco, to be able to attend the last concert by Beatle Paul McCartney before this park gets demolished in the spring of 2015. The tickets cost up to $1,500.00. After this concert, they are having scheduled tours through the park to the end of September just to say goodbye to this famous structure before it disappears. And the tickets FOR JUST TOURING THIS PLACE were sold out!!!!! I could NOT believe that human beings wanted to go and just look at the empty park for the last time… The end of the world is very near! We make gods of everything, including cement idols.
Paul McCartney’s concert was delayed for one hour because many of the people with tickets could not arrive… The traffic was so full of cars that many were trapped and spent hours in getting to Candlestick Park and missed the concert…! They could not even turn around. It was apparent that the respective traffic authorities were taken by surprise. This is another example of a major idolatry…in order for some of us to be reminded that this is the time for a constant conversion of our hearts to have faith that can move mountains and save many souls.
Monday, August 18
I picked up my new glasses since I had postponed the possible surgery for cataracts as mentioned last month. And now I can drive with glasses because for long distance they are super. Yet, for reading I am using the old ones. The vision is not as clear in the new ones… The cross continues.
Tuesday, August 19
While praying the Rosary for my family at 8:AM local time with EWTN, I started to understand a few things regarding last month’s blog topic. After the Rosary, I wrote in my journal, “We use reason to doubt, when we should use reason to figure out the signs of the Holy Spirit’s to guide us. For example, have we asked ourselves if we really believe that God can do all things for us? Or is it wishful reasoning? When we call the Holy Spirit and say, “Come Holy Spirit,” it is not that we are calling Him to be with us. He is already within us! We are actually inviting Him to take over our lives. It means that I am saying “yes” to the will of God at that moment in order to have His guidance and gifts available to be able to deny ourselves, embrace our crosses and emulate what Jesus did, that is to love God and neighbor.”
Friday, August 22 Feast of Our Lady, Queen of the Universe
I went to Mass very early because of the parking problem but the parking job was all done… I was present to a prayer service for the start of the school year. It reminded me of my young years and how I never remember anyone showing me in a more clear way that Jesus was alive in the Host. Yes, the Nuns, Oblates of Divine Love had perpetual adoration and the Eucharist was the center of their lives but only ONE NUN acted as a loving and beautiful representative of Jesus, Mother Hernandez… I still remember her name. I became sickly once with a bad flu and she was the only one who came to my bed to bring me some ice cream to alleviate my fever! The rest were around but doing their duty and not loving me personally and I was 7 years old. Even at that age I could tell the difference. As I prayed two Rosaries and did my Consecration to my Mother, I had the clear impression that we do not conquer the world because we are not crazy about the Crucified and His images, and if we are not, we are not running the race to become converted!
I asked my Mother to pray for me at the Throne of Mercy to get my health better. After all, under this title she did huge miracles for others, as I have explained many times before: a nurse was able to recuperate the love of her husband. Another nurse was able to get married and stop the sin of living with a man. Both of them were Protestant and both of them recognized the work of my Mother. Suddenly, I realized that of course, she is already doing much intercession for me, and simply, this is the will of God for me for this time. I waste my time when I try to ask for my present or future needs. God knows about them, and her intercession should be just to keep me saying “yes” to everything as she did!
The group ISIS had beheaded an American, Mr. James Foley, a Catholic and good man. And BINGO, I suddenly realized that all the ISIS followers are God’s children. OF COURSE, WE CAN WIN ALL OUR BATTLES within, just by asking for love for our enemies. And then, the Lord will win all our personal battles. Resentment is one of the most powerful resources for the devil. If we resent, we cannot love, and if we do not love, the Lord will not be able to redeem ISIS and Hamas, etc. because we are praying for peace, something good but which does not contemplate the salvation of ISIS and Hamas members.
Suddenly my Mother said, “If every day you were to do the preparation prayers for the consecration to me, you would always be ready with a 33 day preparation for all of my major feasts… And of course, with my personal preparation prayers, I am asking for my own conversion in the many aspects of it, and this when answered through her intercession would allow me to receive the grace to receive the grace to love my enemies. And if every Roman Catholic parish in the world would teach this concept, to learn to pray for a personal conversion, ISIS and Hamas and the rest would not exist at all. We can have many brilliant encyclicals on faith and love, but if we do not get into the business of a personal conversion to trust in God and His love for us, we would not receive His mercy to love those who look unlovable. So, if we pray daily for this conversion with the sincere desire to change our ways, well, LOVE FOR NEIGHBOR, friends and enemies will become a reality and LOVE (God Himself) will conquer the hearts of our brothers in the world who are seeking the destruction of the West.
Let’s face it: preaching will not do it… Yes, some will even join the Church or return to the Church, but if the preacher himself is not seeking to love enemies and the like and praying daily for their own major CONVERSION, that is, to love regardless, no preaching in the world would take us to peace in the world. And if every time we resent (of course, with good human reason), we turn around and repent and call the Holy Spirit to help us, saying for example, “Come Holy Spirit, enlighten my heart to see the things that are of God; come Holy Spirit into my mind that I may know the things which are of God; come Holy Spirit into my soul that I may belong only to God; sanctify all that I say, think and do that all will be for the glory of God,” there is no doubt that the prayers for our own conversion would be answered faster than ever. We have to truly believe that “Love can do all things”… (1 Cor 13).
Sunday, August 24.
It was 3: 20 AM and I was woken up by the powerful earthquake that destroyed parts of the city of Napa, CA. Soon after, ABC local news started to air information of this catastrophe. My home is about 40-50 miles from the epicenter and yet nothing moved in this home. Since the experts said that this could be the beginning of a stronger earthquake or not, we canceled our regular attendance to the 8 AM Mass just to be sure that there were not problems in the streets leading to the parish, and decided to attend a later Mass (11 AM).
While the earthquake went on, and I am used to them since Costa Rica has them here and there as the site of several volcanoes, I thought if this was truly the famous earthquake expected during the next 30 years in this part of the country. This feeling of being present to something worse than it was for us south of the epicenter was scary. Later they said that this was probably the stronger this time around. Sure enough, many aftershocks came and are going on. The truth is that Jesus told us about them, and it coincides with His description of the end times!
I was the one who chose the 11 AM Mass and later I realized that the Holy Spirit was involved. Remember that I was in the process of writing this blog and my Lord wanted me to suffer big time, and precisely for my own good to write only what He wanted me to. In front of us, a beautiful mid thirties couple came to sit with their two girls, probably ages 8 and 9. These girls never stopped moving. The father right in front of me would move with the one closer to him and do it constantly. While the readings of the Mass were going on, I could see the podium and lose it because of the constant movement of the children and the father who were not paying attention to any part of the Mass. Then came the homily and I had to intervene and touch the father’s back and signal to him to stay put. I am sure that he did not like it because of at the time of the peace, this family ignored us… Worse, they were extraordinary ministers of the Eucharist. Early in the Mass, I offered it for this family and first and foremost for myself, in order NOT TO RESENT THEM… I knew Satan had to be involved in this disaster…I had a mixture of sadness and remorse for all of us allowing this to happen in our Church. We had had huge multitudes on August 15 at the 12 noon Mass, even that parking was next to impossible. But was this important at all? Our laity needs a major reform as the one that St. Teresa of Avila did with her Carmelite Order. It was obvious to me that we must change the status quo. We cannot do it but the Spirit of God can. We simply have to increase our faith in order to move this mountain…that is for God to give us the direction to convert ourselves at all cost, and love our neighbor at all cost, and believe at all times that it can be done through His Holy Spirit.
Wednesday, August 27
As I was almost ready to post this blog, a new action from Mr. Satan occurred… I still need Tramadol, a pain killer needed for my still very painful knees. I had one more refill from the ones ordered by my gastroenterologist who did not want me to take Aleve because he concluded that it was Aleve which caused the formation of four gastric ulcers, a well known after-effect of this drug. On Monday I asked Walgreen’s via Internet to refill the Tramadol. When I went to pick it up, they said that the pharmacy could not do it because the NEW LAW of one week ago (August 18) had made Tramadol a member of the narcotic family of drugs. Therefore, since the original prescription with 5 refills was not written on a special narcotic pad, they needed to contact the doctor who ordered it in order to have him re-order it in the right prescription pad…!!! I asked them not to do it because my gastroenterologist may not even agree to it since he already ceased taking care of me, once my ulcers were healed. I told them that I would contact my new primary physician to take care of it.
The problem with the latter lady doctor is that she wants an office visit to order new drugs for my care… I am not supposed to see her until this November since my last check-up revealed normalcy in everything, except for my pain due to allergy to many foods. She had referred me to her father, another Indian older doctor who is an allergist. This move did not turn good since he did not solve any problem and sent me to the Internet to find a company to check for my food allergies “delayed” reaction… Can you see SO FAR the amount of confusion in all of this? Thank God that in 2002 I had used ALCAT based in Florida and as reported before in my last blog, the results gave me hope since comparing the list of foods from 2002 to 2014, I had been able to be cured from allergies to onions, for example. This was the message in 2002 from this company, that if you stop the offending food for 3, 6 or 9 months according to the gravity of the allergic reaction, you could be cured of such allergy and yes, it did happen to me.
Well, yesterday I had now to convince my primary physician to order the Tramadol without making an appointment sometime in the future in order for her to do it… I called her office and asked them to ask her to call me. Late afternoon she did. She agreed as long as the next time I would visit her office to give me another refill… ! (Most likely to be able to get money from the insurance company and with some reason since Medicare pays much less of the cost of the care of old people). Today, Walgreens sent a message that my insurance company would not cover the cost of the Tramadol or $223…. They asked me to call Medicare and find out why… NOTICE THE CONFUSION… Well, to contact Medicare and the other company that covers the part that Medicare does not, is like looking for a needle in a haystack… and I only have 6 pills left. I immediately asked my Lord to win this battle for me and ASAP…
I decided to call Walgreens directly to understand what was really the problem with the insurance company…and to tell them to fill it out and that I would pay the $223 from my pocket… IT TURNS out that my primary physician had ordered 100 mg. tablets twice per day, exactly what I was taking, but my previous doctor had ordered TWO 50 mg. tablets instead… The pharmacist explained that Walgreen’s do not sell the 100 mgs tabs… and only the 50 mgs. However, in the e-mail from Walgreens, nothing was said regarding this point… Had I followed their advice, right now I would be calling the insurance companies to find no answers, since the confusion was between the doctor and Walgreen’s service… Finally, they offered to send a fax to my primary physician explaining the problem for her to write another prescription but using 50 mgs. tablets times 2. I have to wait for this to be done… Hopefully it will be ready for tomorrow afternoon since my present amount of Tramadol covers only till tomorrow…
PLEASE notice what Satan can do in our lives… I am going through the disgust of telling you this long story but for you to have another example of how Satan tries over and over to make us resent people in every form and shape. This time, this Walgreen’s pharmacy has shown me a horrible handling of my case and obviously, I have some resentment for them… And yes, I have to say “yes” to all of it because God has allowed the Devil to tempt these images of His to do things that are incorrect 100%… Yet, that is not the problem… This is a major invitation from God to accept this crazy moment with great love because at the end, HE WILL WIN this battle… It is a call for me to have faith and actually thank Him for calling me to be the best servant there can be… and I will try very hard to do so!
The time is here for us followers of Christ to take the bull by the horns, as we say in Latin America (“coger el toro por los cachos”)… It is time for us to believe beyond the little faith we have. A worldwide war is at our doors, and the U.S. is having to strike the enemy in Syria and Iraq, as if this would really cure the problem. The general TV keeps bringing the news of how to defend ourselves, knowing very well that we are ready to receive major attacks in our own territory but nothing else is done. Yes, we are going to have a week of prayer and fasting but I suspect that those hearts who will participate do not realize that prayer and fasting must come from hearts who TRULY TRUST that God will win the war against the instability of the world.
The following is what my Lord wants of me for this battle:
1.With regards to trusting in God at all times as the winner of our battles, I was asked by Him to make a list of all the battles He has won for me and to memorize it the best I can. Every time that I find myself a little insecure about the present moment, the crosses and what is next (like my battle to obtain the right medication), I must remember this list and understand that just as He has done before, He knows where I am, where I am going and what I must do. It should be an automatic truth on my part.
2. Every time that I feel resentment of any kind, I must remember that I need to love my neighbor and if I cannot love, clearly understand that I must ask for such love for the other, as I did with President Obama. I love this man very much. There is no resentment in my heart despite the horrors lived with the HHS mandate.
3. I must pray daily to my Mother with the list of petitions of my consecration to her for my conversion and expect the Holy Spirit under her maternal intercession, to change my heart and allow me to love and love and love at all cost and always.
4. When I hear preaching the litany of what we have to do to obtain this conversion, do’s and don’ts, I must remember that the Holy Spirit is in charge of making the changes in my heart. If I were to pretend to change according to St. Ignatius of Loyola writings, or St. John of the Cross’ or St. Teresa of Avila’s, I must remember that these are guidelines that we most know but that at the end, it depends on my openness to change, to convert slowly but surely, and I will receive His mercy to do so. Yet, all that transformation depends heavily in my “yes” to the will of God. Our Mother said “yes” and she conceived the Son of God by the power of the Spirit. It is the same with us: we say yes in a radical way to everything that is happening at each present moment, and the Holy Spirit will impregnate us with holiness of life which includes love for God at all cost and for His glory, and love for our neighbor, most especially our enemies. I WONDER IF WE TRULY HAVE TESTED THIS PLAN in our own lives AND SAY YES TO EVERYTHING WE ENCOUNTER SECOND BY SECOND.
Therefore, I am sending you a message as you read these words: wake up and say “yes” now to everything in your life. It is a call to arms. With love we can do all things. Satan is alive and will try very hard to make us doubt… what I am writing, but trust me, when I see myself loving those Bishops and Priests and lay members who have allowed dirtying the face of our Church, I know that it can be done. The wedding at Cana serves us as a reminder that Our Lady was behind the needs of the two spouses and practically challenged her Son to proceed and come out in public as the Son of God. And besides, we have the power to conquer the entire world because He said so:
Matthew 17: 14-20
Amen I say to you, if you have the faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, “Move from here to there, and it will move. NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE TO YOU.”
Matthew 18: 21-19 – Mathew 19: 1. Peter approached Jesus and asked Him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many times as seven?” Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times, (Then Jesus gives him the story of a king who forgave the loan this servant owed him, but the servant did not forget what a fellow servant owed him.) “His master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?’ Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt. So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you pays back the whole debt? So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgive his brother from his heart.”
I am adding at the end of this blog, some writings that I shared with some of my friends in 2007. You do not have to read them at all, since it will take you much time to go through the entire present blog plus what I had written 7 years ago. However, they all pertain to my present CALL TO ACTION!
Thank you so much for your prayers… You have no idea how much I rely on them. If you remember me, please keep praying for me. God bless you a thousand times for doing so!
IV. OLD WRITINGS from 2007
1. Zeal for Souls
Zeal = enthusiasm (to save souls…!!!)
According to my Lord: a soul who thirsts for the salvation of other souls, which is the most important aspect of love of neighbor, must show this:
- This person never gets tired of the crosses of life as instruments to bring souls aboard.
- Such person is always patient with those who cannot “see” in spiritual terms!
- This person loves no matter what!
- This person never, ever, complains of what is to come…
- This person accepts with joy, excitement and great expectation all future crucifixions to gain even just one soul for God.
- This person understands very well that all graces are given to him/her mostly to be spent in other’s salvation. Therefore, this person, early in life, seeks the Holy Spirit for guidance and prayer on how to spend those graces on others.
- This person sees pain and suffering as a gift to grow in relationship with God and is ready to leave all consolation from this relationship even for just one soul to be saved.
- Souls become more important to this person that his/her own needs, wants, desires or sufferings.
- This person yearns to lay down his/her life to save others. That is, yearns to suffer for them and offer it as sacrifice to the Father in their behalf.
Good Friday, April 06, 2007
"Sufferings gladly borne for others convert more people than sermons." – St. Therese of Lissieux
2. THE MERCY OF GOD INCARNATE IN MY SOUL
1. I must say a yes to His will convinced that He loves me. That is faith.
2. A yes that believes that what has been told to me will be fulfilled precisely because of His great love for me. Therefore, He would not confuse me. That is faith in His love.
3. A yes framed in the hope that there is a plan of salvation for me and for many others. That is faith married to hope.
4. A yes that is tranquil, silent and only waits for this salvation plan for all of us.
5. A yes that is rooted in love of God and of brother and sister.
6. A yes that practices this love of God by living all day in “vigilance” or watching with Him as in Gethsemane (with a few selected ones like Peter, John and James) watching how He was and is in agony even today for this hardheaded, and at times dissipated Church that He founded. To realize that He chose just three disciples to be with Him, to keep Him company, to be His backbone since He knew his suffering to come, the betrayal just to happen, and yet they failed Him. Eventually He asked them to pray as well, but not in the first instance (Mathew’s Gospel). To remember that He just needed to be loved in the midst of the outrages, sacrileges and indifference by which He is offended…
7. A yes that manifests itself in service to others, love, patience, forgiveness, ignoring others’ rejection, hardened faces, indifference,
8. A yes that waits orders from God for everything and will not be anxious about the next present moment.
9. A yes coming from constant prayer – Mass, Holy Hours and permanent praise that substitutes all fears and doubts of each present moment.
10. A yes that seeks to keep company to the Son of God in the Tabernacle.
11. A yes that forgets about myself and my needs but never of the spiritual, moral, emotional and monetary needs of my brother and sister.
He then said, “This is the way to a life of holiness and of constant giving glory to God, the Trinity, because the yes to the will of God is done while picking up your crosses, denying yourself and following Me to do what I did. Remember that all healing, all battles were won through faith while on earth … If faith was present in those asking for sight or cure of diseases, this was the gate to win their battles as God did for Israel and as Moses reminded them in Deuteronomy 1. If you doubt, if you have fear, if you dread any part of the will of the Father for you or even disagree with His will in your past, which means to mistrust His love for you, then faith is also gone, and with it, hope and love for Me.”
I realized that a simple yes to God’s will without accepting the crosses with “gusto” was very little in order to grow and be able to beg for mercy for others. I then heard:
1. Work on your own yes to establish rocky grounds for your relationship with God. That is, increase your faith in God’s mercy for you.
2. Pray for this Church from the pulpit of your conversion! Then, God will be prompt to answer.
3. Finally, preach the message of mercy as the only solution to this Church in chaos. With this background, the people will hear through His mercy!.
Oct. 1, 2007 – Feast of St. Therese.
3. October 4, 2007 – Feast of the poverello, St. Francis of Assisi (died at age 44)
Friends and family: I do not want to share too many details of my life but all started with this most brutal desire to end my stay in this city (again?), but now at least blessing Toledo for so many gifts, soooo many! Two days ago I gave Him exactly one week to end it or by Thursday October 11, and if I did not get at least sufficient money to stop draining my kids’ accounts, I would place this house in the market ASAP with a ridiculous price to sell at all cost. I argued that by January 2008, my Social Security monthly income will rise to $31,000/year and therefore I could pay any leftover debts, since I would be living with my son. If I would not get the money, I would stop saying “Yes” to His will as He asked me to do just a few days and go to San Francisco ( hoping that He would not stop me), and only pray tons for mercy for the whole world … with many Holy Hours (Perpetual Adoration is about 10 miles from his house), etc…
Walking on water, or having faith to believe that all is well when I live in a place that uses so much money has simply become a nightmare (Unfortunately, I did not know that it was a dark night and very worthwhile!!!)… If He were to provide at least some money not to bug my boys, I would stay in Toledo as long as He wants. I have been obedient to my Lord enough numbers of years since I stopped working permanently. The Church is all I have in Toledo, and I feel a stranger among them, totally, completely… The people around me have a very different concept of faith and love for the Crucified. I feel very sad on a daily basis for living in this very peculiar way regarding monies and keeping a house with no human apparent need, and yet…. my joy is exuberant… So, after this final ultimatum-à no money, no mercy message to no one else… and my exit of Toledo no matter if I lose tons of money, suddenly yesterday and out of the blue, St. Therese the Little Flower came to me. She does not talk frequently. May be once a year…, but she surprised me by giving me two numbers for different pages to read in her own autobiography, two pages in the writings of St. John of the Cross and the diary of St. Faustina (2 entries for the latter), all in a matter of 1 minute. I jotted down the pages right away. These are the highlights:
From St. Therese
1. “My soul has matured in the crucible of exterior and interior trials… and now like a flower strengthened by the storm, I can raise my head and see the words of Psalm 23 – the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want, etc.”
2. “The flower about to tell her story rejoices at having to publish the totally gratuitous gifts of Jesus. She knows that nothing in her was capable of attracting the divine glances, and His Mercy alone brought about everything that is good in her…” (Wow, sounds somewhat similar to my life with many trials from different sources for many years, but with many spiritual gifts. and I realized that I should feel joy to adventure one day to publish the totally gratuitous gifts of Jesus for me since I was born, instead of giving Him ultimatums… I stood corrected!)
3. At age 10 she had headaches and finally a horrible fever. She wrote, “I cannot describe this strange sickness, but I’m now convinced it was the work of the Devil.” Later on she could faint any place. For a long time after these ceased around age 14, she thought that she fainted on purpose, obviously a huge temptation from Satan as well. “I believe that the Devil had received an external power over me but was not allowed to approach my soul nor my mind except to inspire me with very great fears.” (For those who do not know, she died at age 24 of tuberculosis). (Wow… the power of evil for certain souls can be huge like in the case of Job and with permission from God… Satan as we know, divides, confuses, accuses, lies and gives fear… So, in her, he produced fear… I realized how my present fear of using my sons’ monies could come from lack of faith plus Satan’s action)
From St. John of the Cross (who died at age 49 and who was incarcerated by his own confreres in Toledo, Spain):
The first page was actually the diagram or sketch of Mount Carmel that he drew.
Among some of the thoughts in this drawing, we find: à
“To reach satisfaction in all, desire its possession in nothing!
To come to the knowledge of all – desire the knowledge of nothing.
You must go by a way in which you enjoy not.
You must go by a way you know not.”
This is the doctrine of the “nada” of this most famous Saint. He joined St. Teresa of Avila to reform the Calced Carmelite male Order, as she did the same with women. They became famous for being known as the Discalced Order, but actually, these two mystics and Doctors of the Church, brought with their reform the science of how to know Jesus personally and how this process is carried out in the soul and how it goes hand in hand with deeper contemplative prayer…
1. “The soul through original sin is a captive in the mortal body, subject to passions and natural appetites! To achieve liberation, the soul must enter the dark night, that is, the privation of all satisfactions and the mortification of appetites.”
2. “Leaning on pure faith alone… the soul can get rid of imperfection and appetites for spiritual possessions.” In his poem, the “secret ladder” represents faith. “Climbing this divine secret ladder of faith, leads up to and penetrates the deep things of God (1 Cor 2:10).”
“The soul declares (in his poem) that it was disguised because in the ascent through faith, its garment, apparel and capacities were changed from natural to divine… and neither the devil, nor temporal, nor rational things recognized or detained the soul! None of the latter things can do harm to the man who walks in faith. The soul was hidden from him (Satan) to whom the light of faith is worse than darkness. A man who walks in faith is concealed and hidden from the devil. Anyone fortunate enough to possess the ability to journey in the obscurity of faith, as a blind man with his guide, and depart from all natural phantasms and intellectual reasoning, walks securely! (I finally found myself in this part of his teaching. I have been walking on water, or have lived without the logic of the world for some time!!!! I have made no sense to many, and yet, I was going through a very safe path…The number of years doing this is very important – 4.5+ — since the more I have done it, the more I have shown my Lord pure faith… and my intellect, my reasoning, has been dimmed with the brilliant light of faith…)
(Definition of the dark night) “Faith obscures habit because it brings us to believe divinely revealed Truths, which transcend every natural light and infinitely exceed all human understanding… As a result, the excessive light of faith bestowed on man is darkness because a brighter light will eclipse and suppress the dimmer one, that of the intellect.
(The dark night is made of three types)
1. It is the night of the senses only (no faith involved) and resembles the twilight.
2. The dark night at midnight is darker than 1 and 3 (below), because faith is present and again, it darkens the light of the intellect (reasoning, logic, worldly thinking accepted as the norm)
3. The dark night at dawn signals the coming of God or the end of the dark night altogether, and therefore, it is not as dark as the midnight darkness of pure faith.
Notice how faith takes care of everything. Just working on the appetites of the flesh, that is of all the sensory needs, can be conquered by faith as well… I suddenly realized that I was given faith in the Real Presence at age 6.5. It helps to explain very well my persecutions at every level, that is, all my many midnight dark nights lived in faith: husband, professionally, and to a certain point, to be in a Church that I am seeing with eyes that do not match the eyes of most…That is why I feel like a stranger. My God given growing gift of faith has dimmed much of the natural light of my intellect and makes me a stranger. This explains why I had no attachment to money and possessions and which were very abundant for many years… This gift of faith since a child was taking me through the path that St. John describes in his writings. By the time I arrived in Toledo I had more faith than at age 6.5. Faith had grown in inexplicable ways but now finally it was made clear with the words of this Doctor of the Church. No matter how many difficulties I lived through persecutions that came from nowhere, I never ever doubted my God… That was His gift of faith for me… much beyond my knowledge of His Real Presence in the Eucharist…
Mercy had been with me all along… Satan as well, has been all over me forever. My faith is and was so strong that totally dimmed and dims my intellect, my reason, and for someone like me trained in science and that has to reason everything, I needed a spiritual director that could translate all of this… But He was against it forever… I simply had to rely on Him, and when I became ready to quit for good, He sent His Little Flower, St. Therese, the saint whose image descended upon me at age 2, and which returned to the wall as soon as my grandmother got to me, expecting me to wake up screaming. She was sending a sign that she was praying for me… and in her writing, she talks about mercy being the source of all her goodness… This proves that the definition of mercy given to me is correct. Mercy is not only the forgiveness of sins but the manifestation of the love of God in our lives, as a mother (normal mother) loves her baby in the womb, and restoring souls to Himself to be one with His will… St. Therese certainly was an example of it in word and deed.
St. Faustina’s entries (she died of tuberculosis on October 5th… 1938 at age 33, and was named as His secretary of Mercy)
706 – Jesus to St. Faustina: “Know that you are hated by evil but do not fear…”
870: “Taking advantage of the intimacy to which the Lord was admitting me to, I interceded before Him for the whole world…
(Obvious reiteration or hinting to expect much evil in my life, plus my intimate life with the Crucified and my Father, out of God’s pure mercy, but to be used for the whole world… )
Corollary: I had to walk on water in Toledo (unbeknownst to me before this moment,) in order to augment the light of my faith in order to dim more and more the reasoning of the light of my intellect, and as a result and as described by St. John, this made me capable of walking towards experiencing more Presence of God…. How simple… Part of these graces are my total lack of pride for what I have been given spiritually. It is like I am used to it in one hand, and in the other one, I know is pure mercy… I know it. I do not have to even remind or convince myself of it.
On October 1, feast of St. Therese, I received from my Lord a list of 11 points (what I wrote above in point 2) or counsels designed to incarnate mercy in my soul via more faith. Last month, my JP II had asked me to ask for more faith to quench my fears but I had no clue of why? He was right on the money…! I had to ask for more of the light of faith to dim the light that reasoned the presence of my fears. Jesus was right reminding me at the end of the 11 points that every time he worked a miracle, He needed the faith of the one asking for it; He needed the light of faith to dim the reasoning of the person… Wow! How much I now understand the whole process… He also explained later that faith like that of the Roman soldier begging for healing of his slave, or the Roman Centurion who begged for healing for his daughter, it also meant that through my faith He can heal others, and why not, move mountains… Notice that the only thing I have to do is to go by the way I enjoy not or know not, regardless of human logic…
But now, living the dark night of my faith in this walking on water in Toledo is simply so much tolerable… Of course, had I understood the value of this time but some 3 years ago, well, it would not have been faith. And when yesterday, the light of my flesh or my reasoning, my logic, tried to obstruct my faith of walking on water, He sent help of the greatest quality. I always remember that I was born with St. Teresa of Avila’s life all around me, and she was part Jew! Huh! However, I have read the lives of these Carmelite Saints (Teresa, Therese and San Juan) at least 4-5 times, and I never had received before the light of the Spirit to comprehend what I just wrote above…
Imagine what walking on water or raw faith in His love can do for us, even if such faith is pure gift… I guess, all what He wants is this trust (defined as faith without fear) in His love for us but acted upon or practiced, and that opens all the doors. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound! And at the fast rate I am comprehending this desert time, it sounds like I may exit Toledo sooner rather than later. I know too much now, and probably, I have gotten all the faith I needed to teach in years to come this subject to many … It certainly would be a powerful well illustrated story of the teachings of St. John of the Cross in my own life…